New Adventures Of The Old MODERN MOMMY

True Dat. The One Where I Get All Serious And Decide On A Career.

I am not completely confident how yet - the details are a little fuzzy, but I suspect I could make a clever career out of some form of memeology.  (It's Time To Build A Word! Let's Build It's, Let's Build It Now!)  Like I could be a Memeologist.  Not sure, but I might wear a long white lab coat. Basically I hope to get paid for roughly what I do now (not much), except with bigger words, some scientific equipment and colorful cubicle walls around my kitchen table. Maybe a potted plant. Also, I will SO be able to claim and iPad 2 umm 3 as a tax deduction. Fo Shizzle. There will also be lots of frosted animal cookies at my desk work station.  Plus Casual Fridays.

Stay Tuned...

P.S. Here's my favorite part.

P.P.S I totally know all these words.

Meme
From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

"Proponents theorize that memes may evolve by natural selection in a manner analogous to that of biological evolution. Memes do this through the processes of variation, mutation, competition and inheritance, each of which influence a meme's reproductive success. Memes spread through the behaviors that they generate in their hosts. Memes that propagate less prolifically may become extinct, while others may survive, spread and (for better or for worse) mutate. Memes that replicate most effectively enjoy more success, and some may replicate effectively even when they prove to be detrimental to the welfare of their hosts."

March, The One Where I Find The True Meaning of Christmas

In my efforts to expand the junk drawer I call my cranium, I am constantly out on the front lines. The cutting edge. You know... the Internet. What's trending and what's mostly lemmings.

Unfortunately, I have now learned "Reading pop culture on the internet is the worst thing you could do to your ability to communicate in plain English short of taking up a career in contract law." -Urban Dictionary

Plain English was never really intended to be a fundemental aspect in designing this blog so I feel confident we are staying true to our Mission Statement which loosely paraphrased reads:  "The grammar police can suck it."

After I was all done with the hard hitting news cycles of the day:

 

I moved on to the useless crap that is sort of our bread and butter around Modern Mommy and stumbled upon this little nugget on a random website clearly dedicated to the kind of time wasting we encourage around here. Ever wished there was more to celebrate in the month of March? March is apparently the gift that keeps on giving. Wish granted. No Thanks necessary. 

The Holidays are courtesy of the site we plundered, the comments are... well, let's call it creative license.

1 Peanut Butter Lover's Day - I assume if you have allergies you are excused.

2 Employee Appreciation Day - first Saturday in March. If you don't get why that's hilarious then you are on the wrong blog.

2 National Salesperson Day - First Sunday of the month, ditto.

2 Old Stuff Day - also known as garage sales and plus grandparents day was taken.

3 I Want You to be Happy Day - a cheap knock off of Valentines Day, gratuitous and unnecessary

3 If Pets Had Thumbs Day - can't say much else to improve this one.

3 National Anthem Day - This also a loose interpretation of Wardrobe Malfunction Day in Feb to commemorate Super Bowl XXXVIII in 2004

4 Holy Experiment Day - I assumed this was being uttered as an exclamation by a Marvel Comics character but I suppose it could also refer to a teacher development day at The College of Science at The University of Notre Dame.

4 Hug a GI Day - again confusing. I get military and gastrointestinal out of this one so I think it is appropriate to hug either a veteran or a radiologist.

5 Multiple Personality Day - A lot of people are gonna be pissed that this is just one day and so am I.

6 Dentist's Day - Who celebrates dental work? Although I see the value in not making people in this profession feel under valued or grumpy.

6 National Frozen Food Day - who are we kidding, this holiday is alive and well all year long.

7 National Crown Roast of Pork Day - I am truly enamoured with this one. I mean it's pork, which is awesome, but the time someone took to give it that little extra something with words like crown and roast. Nice visual too. I give it two Pets with Thumbs up.

8 Be Nasty Day - This should be in May due to it's underlying Janet Jackson theme.

8 International (Working) Women's Day - This one made me practically catatonic. While the Pork thing was only national, this insult is out on the global stage. Apparently if you sit around all day making up useless blog posts, you do not deserve your own day. International or otherwise.

9 Panic Day - this is a little how I felt when everyone was celebrating yesterday.

10 Middle Name Pride Day - this is just bold faced discrimination. Some of us had complicated last names and our parents just wanted to help out. Geeze.

11 Worship of Tools Day - this is a BOGO if I ever saw it. I am torn between my wedding anniversary and the Sears President's Day Sale. Nothing says patriotism like a good deal on bath towels.

12 Plant a Flower Day - I prefer tulips.

13 Ear Muff Day - this is just a working title for March 26th

13 Jewel Day - precious stones or the singer. I think either is acceptable.

14 Learn about Butterflies Day - this one makes me happy because I picture them landing on the tulips I planted.

14 National Potato Chip Day - Guess it's a no brainer why this day was never taken to the international level. Seriously people, we are never get the Olympics back.

14 National Pi Day - Why? 3.14 The value of Pi. Get it? Yeah I thought it was going to be about dessert too.

15 Everything You Think is Wrong Day - A reminder of how miserably I failed to recognize the "E" was clearly omitted yesterday and there is no way to come back from a misstep like that.

15 Ides of March - good movie. Ryan Gosling and George Clooney? Yum. It's like Pie Day all over again.

15 Incredible Kid Day - I can't be glib about this one, but like frozen foods, we celebrate this one every day.

15 Dumbstruck Day - How about Awestruck or Thunderstruck or Starstruck? This is more like Phoning It In Day. Good grief, be optimistic.

16 Everything You Do is Right Day - Also celebrated in June.

16 Freedom of Information Day - The reason you can access on the internet why Everything You Do is Right Day is celebrated in June.

17 National Quilting Day - ROFL I thought it was National Quitting Day. I was about to get behind this one in a big way.

17 Submarine Day - sandwiches or the boats? Another example of how incomplete or incorrect grammar can get you killed.

17 Saint Patrick's Day - very little to do with submarines so I can't say I understand the need to double up.

18 Supreme Sacrifice Day - I know some Poultry who might want to make this a 3 day wknd.

19 Poultry Day - yesterday sucked.

20 International Earth Day - "Don't tread on me." -Buffy The Vampire Slayer

20 Extraterrestrial Abductions Day - Now I know how the Poultry feels.

21 Proposal Day - Like there is not enough salt in the wounds for those of us who got yet another pair of earrings last month?

22 National Goof Off Day - I campaigned on this.

23 National Chip and Dip Day - Oh... and Dip. I get it. Refer to March 14th.

23 Near Miss Day - Where was this idea on the 9th, 17th, 18th and 20th?

24 National Chocolate Covered Raisin Day - this is just dumb. Chocolate actually makes some things much worse. Plus I totally prefer to eat foods that have not purposely been left to rot in the sun.

25 Waffle Day - I don't know. I am still a little put off by the raisins yesterday, come back to me on the waffles.

26 Make Up Your Own Holiday Day - Duh. Winning.

27 National "Joe" Day - sloppy joe's, Trader Joe's, Joe's Crab Shack, Joe Pesci. I like this plan.

28 Something on a Stick Day - Finally a day I can my head around. There is a lot of good stuff on sticks these days. "Turn your food into a portable, convenient wonder food by putting it on a stick!"

29 Smoke and Mirrors Day - Maybe now I can find out how all that food got on to the sticks?

30 National Doctor's Day - Just in case you missed the stick, oopps. It happens I guess. Good planning on the sequence of these days.

30 I am in Control Day - Second only to Valentine's Day - this calendar date keeps both lawyers and Hallmark in business.

31 Bunsen Burner Day - I love this. At first blush it seems like a Hail Mary. Last item on the list we just pulled something out of our collective nowheres. Like the whole Ear Muff Day debacle back on the 13th but after closer inspection this is hilarious in a Big Bang Theory kind of way.

 

Annoying Mouth Breather, The One Where I Can Literally Stop And Smell The Roses

So, the weather here is supposed to be unseasonably warm today. I know this status update is neither joyful nor triumphant yet (wait for it) since everyone knows weather updates are wicked boring and that I whined and stomped my feet all season about a lack of the white stuff I love. Since my relentless complaints, Missouri had to officially change the words to several holiday classics... Like, "It's beginning to look a lot like New Mexico" and "It doesn't show signs of stopping, so I brought some corn... and steaks to grill outside on my deck"

Here's the good news: I can breathe through my nose today!! Yeah, I sorta buried the lead there. Anyway, this makes me more smiley and less of the weird mouth breather I have been since like September. Grateful for the sunshine and a day without sinus pain! Carpe the Sunshine!

Leap Day, The One Where I Remember Fondly When I Used To Know Things

I know it's the Species Leap Day of the Genus Leap Year of the Family "Do or say something that everyone will remember four years from now" but I got nuthin' Other than the fact that running around rampant in my head today (like the Oscar Mayer jingle - go ahead, I dare you not to sing it once) is the Mnemonic I made up for biological classifications back in the days when I used words like Mnemonic and Biological Classifications. I am not sure when this was exactly, I think maybe I have my Leap Years mixed up with Dog Years because I just keep wondering whether or not I put enough Lysol on the diaper pail today. Like the point of this post, anything that happens today didn't. So go hug a botanist or step on a Lego or somethin' memorable.

Napping and Sandwhiches, The One Where I Dazzle You With My Lifestyle And Accomplishments

Ran into an old friend online today, which is a lot like being at a grocery store in the town where you went to high school except you maintain some plausible deniability about whether or not you were in fact in sweat pants, hair a mess and no make-up. We did the usual catching up, it went something like...
Me: "So what do you do these days?"
Them: "Ivy league, professional, powerful, lots of money, perfect wife, cute kids yada yada... (or at least that's what I heard, I sort of blacked out near the end) What are you up to?
Me: Napping mostly. I took it competitive a few yrs ago. I am quite good actually, not to brag. I am no stranger to success either, as you can see. In fact it's raining here today and that's kind of the bread and butter for those of us in training, so i probably should get to it.
Them: (silent)
Me: Take care!

They totally bought it. Awesomeness intact.

Popular Social Networking, The One Where I Am Not Afraid To Beg

Can someone come over to my house and bring one of those long pointy-pointer thingymajiggers that teachers use to direct our attention to some fine visual aids? Or like a laser light thingy? Then please point to all the stuff on Twitter that challenges my 6th grade education and 'splain what the flag-nog is going on in in there? I mean i am fairly tech savy, but seriously can a girl get a tutorial?

And while we are on the subject of, you know, stuff... Hey Zuckerberg, how about the ability for commenting on comments? We could get some seriously complicated threads going on up in here. Fo shizzle.

Just Saying.

Be Gentle, The One Where I Wax A Little More Serious Than Usual.

I have posted this link before, multiple times actually. Every time, and for whatever reason that is tugging at my heart that day, when I struggle with something that I cannot broadcast, post or otherwise publish - I read this. I am reminded I am lucky, blessed and loved. I feel less lost, less alone, less afraid I that am completely misunderstood. I am so very grateful for how much love and joy that is in my life, and for those who create and sustain it. To the few of you (you know who you are) who I know are struggling in some of the ways I am or in ways I cannot comprehend: You are not lost, not alone, not misunderstood... To everyone else, be gentle with those around you. We can never tell what they may be carrying today.

We Must See Past What It Seems...

Best Phrases, The One Where I Search For Meaning In My Life

The best phrases I have muttered the most this week. Number 5 - "What else can I use as a baby wipe?" Number 4 - "Pleass do not pee on my fireplace" Number 3 - "Seriously, the fish have an actual play-date in the potty" Number 2 - "I can't believe something that color came out of a nose" and the Number 1 thing I have said more than once this week: "Please tell me that's chocolate"

Say Anything, The One Where I Do

Ok so you know you are old and cynical when... You watch the last scene of "Say Anything" when they are sitting on the plane and instead of getting all teary and hopeful about true love, all you can think about are all the ways they are going to resent each other. Tell me I am not outgrowing sappy 80's movies? I am, aren't I?

 

Ceramics, The One Where My Kids Get Art Scholarships

It's that cherished time of year again. The time when loosely interpreted versions of beautiful little fired clay turtles come home from Kindergarten art class. This masterpiece is Modern Kindergardener's creation and its going right next to her big sister's!